Cats

I don’t know if you have cats, but I do. I like them. We have, you know, a working relationship. I feed them. I pet them. I clean up after them. They sleep on the couch. It works.

I don’t know how it goes with your cats, but my cats can be a bit demanding. I tried to train them in the beginning, tried to get them to follow certain rules (you know, the usual - no claw sharpening on the couch, no sleeping on the kitchen counter and the like). Well, it did and didn’t work.

Over the years we’ve sort of reached an uneasy truce. They’ve learned to basically do what I ask and I’ve learned not to ask too much. 

cat dinner simon’s cat

Sorry, due to an incident involving a fondue skewer, a door handle and The Cat, pretty much all of my left hand is bandaged (no, I don’t want to talk about it) and I’m having lots of difficulty writing. I’ll post again as soon as I can figure out how to get my fingers out of this damn wrap…

I’m still trying to figure out how I can make some gainful use out of all these unproductive animals I have at home. (Unfortunately, the job as Schrödinger’s Cat was already filled by the time The Cat got her CV off. Good jobs don’t grow on trees, you know, and there must have been at least 100 other cats with her qualifications.) Anyway, let’s get back to this pointless-pet problem.

Linguistically speaking, all of them have possibilities and uses. Each and every one of them has already long found his/her purpose in idiomatic English. (I can’t say the same for home.) Let’s start, for personal reasons, with cats, and look at some of the ways we can put them to use,  be it only in our language.

Where to start?
You let the cat out of the bag when you tell a secret and you weren’t supposed to.
A visibly nervous person looks like a cat on a hot tin roof (or on hot bricks). 
You look like something the cat dragged in if you look like, well, something the cat dragged in.
A room can be so small that there is no room to swing a cat.
Not only do all roads lead to Rome, but there is also more than one way to skin a cat. (Has a nice ring to it)
A rich and generally powerful person is often referred to as a fat cat.
You are said to be grinning like the Cheshire Cat when you’re grinning ear to ear.
If you are reluctant to speak, people may ask if the cat’s got your tongue.
It’s raining cats and dogs when it is really raining hard. 

And, as we all know, when the cat’s away, the mice will play.

Naturally, there are countless more, but I just can’t list them all. As we can clearly see, cats do at least contribute something to society. They are not completely useless.
Oh, and before I forget, I wanted to mention one more cat-thing. Many of you may or may not realise this, but cats have 9 (read: nine) lives in English.
Think about it.

Apropos of idioms, here is an interesting site I found. It’s called Ponderings of a Cowboy Hat English Teacher. He goes quite in depth in his treatment of idioms - I personally appreciate the cowboy slant (duh). And here is a site that lists endless idioms (quantity goes before quality).

For more of my pointless pet idioms, stay tuned.

english language cat idiom

Good god, I’m going to be rich.

I was perusing one of my favorite blogs this morning, tea in hand, and I saw this post which really got me thinking. Since the blog is called The Thinking Blog, I also assume that that was the point. But somehow I have the feeling that Craig Kohler had a different goal in mind with this post, being as it has to do with science, cosmology and philosophy.

I think he was hoping to awaken a profound cognitive experience by showing some of the scientific thought experiments which have brought quantum  leaps (excuse the pun) to scientific understanding, including, naturally, Einstein and his oh-so-celebrated-brain (I am not being sarcastic, much to the contrary. We all wish we could get our hands on some of his grey matter.) Not being one-sided, Craig also brought forward several examples of thinking experiments in the area of cosmology and philosophy, hoping (I suppose) to induce productive analytical activity in the grey cells of his readers.

Hmmm. As I read I could hear the rusty wheels creaking to life in my head. Hmmmm. I was having a cognitive experience. I was forming an idea - nay, a plan.

I’m going to be rich.

I’m going to take an active role in scientific thought development. I’m going to help make a difference. I’m going to help answer some age-old questions.

I’m going to make the Cat apply for a job as Schrödinger’s Cat.

Don’t look at me like that. It’s not hard. And it’s about time she takes on an active role in the economic well-being of our household. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, you know. We all have to do our part. The damn Cat just has to sit in a steel chamber, or maybe a bowling-ball bag, and do nothing. The only hard part is not eating the very old Kraft macaroni and cheese. But we all have to test the limits of our abilities at one point, don’t we.

I’m going to be rich - as soon as I can catch that damn Cat …

science cosmology philosophy schrödingers cat

I don’t know if you have a cat, but I do. 

In fact, I have several. (Every time I said, “How sweet. Let’s take it home.” signified a relapse of my not-yet-clinically-diagnosed insanity.) 

Here’s a fairly accurate rendition of what it’s like to live with them, bless their hairy little hearts.

(Thanks, Nikk)

I was just sitting here sort of minding my own business, thinking about some really irritating words (ahh,  the distractible minds of the clinically bored) and I noticed that this morning’s kitty-breakfast may have affected the immediate well-being of The Cat. I heard a strange noise behind me and saw that the kitty-kibble had successfully effected an escape from The Cat.

This had an almost simultaneous effect on my personal well-being and this morning’s non-kitty-breakfast effected a near-escape onto the keyboard of my laptop. (This effect would not have created a Nice Moment.) I effectively thwarted the need to visually appraise the effects of my digestion and jumped for the paper towels.

The Cat was faster and had already dashed into the hall where she continued to effectively deposit more kitty-kibble onto the floor, this time onto the rug. This affected my speed positively. I hurtled my body into the hall, armed with the paper towels, making wiping motions as I ran.

This effectively frightened The Cat, who was already not well. The effect was dramatic and somewhat disturbing. I had effectively effected an exodus of nearly all the cat-contents out the various orifices of The Cat.

After a time, The Cat and I met again in the bathroom.

We had both effectively calmed our digestive systems and our nerves. The Cat had once again effectively affected her usual kiss-my-ass casual attitude and I had successfully effected a removal of all the vile effects of said kitty-breakfast.

The Cat effectively gave me her I’m-going-to-pee-in-your-most-expensive-shoes-look and effected her exit. Oh, the joys of being afflicted with feline affection.

english grammar